By Kimani Wiseman
Mom: Mary, it is getting late, I think you should leave now and try get a van to get to school early. Your lunch is on the table and the money to pay the van. You have your homework?
Mary: Yes, the homework is in my bag.
Mary: Conductor, do you have space in the van?
Conductor: Yes, I go make space, come in the van. Everybody small up.
Mary: Conductor, where is the seat for me to sit on?
Conductor: Sit in this girl lap for me please. We smalling up. Driver pass the Vybz Kartel CD for me and the remote for the CD deck. Gaza me say. I want more volume and bass.
Mary: Conductor, the music is extremely loud, the bass is rattling the windows and my chest. My eardrums are bursting. I think I am getting a migraine headache. Can you turn the music down?
Passenger: Granny eardrums are bursting to, please turn the music down. I am in my 80s, I cannot take the loud music.
Conductor: The music would not be turned down, if the both of you don’t like it, get out the van. I am going by this shop to get some beers and Guinness for me and the driver. I would be back in a minute. Driver we have our beers and Guinness, press gas, let’s go.
Mary: Driver and conductor, are the both of you crazy? You are drinking and driving, the driver overtake another van round a corner, the music is extremely loud, it sounds like a disco in this van and you are turning these narrow roads into a race track. Do you guys know that there are laws that can be used to charge and lock the both of you up?
Conductor: Which laws? We does make laws and don’t execute them. The police don’t have time to execute any law.
Mary: Why do you guys speed, drink and have the music extremely loud?
Conductor: To turn our swag up so we can get plenty girls in our life. Hot girls love hot van. As a matter of fact, we have some rims and tint coming in soon. We going nice up this van even better. Some young people also love the music and the speeding, it would attract them in our van, resulting in more money for us.
Mary: Let me out of this van. I don’t feel comfortable in this van.
Passenger: Let granny out of this van to. You guys want to give granny a heart attack. Shame on you guys. You guys have no respect for the elderly. Conductor pay attention to your attire and your hygiene. You are coming to work in a vest, the hair under your arm long and thick like goat skin, you are not using any deodorant, and to make matters worse, you are standing over passengers with your arm in passengers face. And you talking about getting girls. Are the young ladies in this country attracted to guys like you? This younger generation have gone to the dogs.
Two hours later:
Mary: My phone is ringing, where is my phone? Hello.
Jasmine: Hello, Mary, the black van that works in your area, it crashed about ten minutes ago outside my house. The van was speeding and it hit a car and a lamp pole. The ambulance is here taking people to the hospital.
Mary: I was in that van this morning and I came out and caught another van. That black van was speeding, the conductor and driver were drinking beers and Guinness, the music was extremely loud, and it was over packed with passengers. I don’t know what is going on with these vans lately. Some of the vans also want to leave people half way to their destination and expect them to pay full price.